swtbug

Hey am back, maybe for good and maybe not but anyways I got a lot on my head that I want to bring it out.. Truth is am lost in my life to the case of DANGERNESS of being me! People have a hard time dealing with me and they push me to sign that says "Hey Am Sick!".

I know that each one of us has their ups and downs but lately its hard for me to stick around others. Am driftting away into my own cold world. And today I reached the thought that this is not working for me and maybe I should get back home to my oman but again that's another issue of misery!

U can never imagine how big changes have I puttin myself through, but then its not me who pushed myself to change its fate.

All I own now is just memories of sweet and painful paths I have been to. Am not happy at this moment though I am where I wanted to be in the past but for me I feel I have just reached late and nothing feels like my dream.

Ah people, what am I suppose to write about them! I should just write about me and am the person that you can abuse, mislead, use and I would not stand for me. Worset part I got no one to stand for me here, thats why I miss my home and my people. I miss them so much.

My beloved cousin left this earth into a new journey on 11th of May of 2005. I can't till date believe that she has gone, her death has opened my eyes into my true image and made me realize many things in life. Through her death am learning who am I, am understanding what life really is and my faith for God has grown up more!.

I can't believe she is gone, forever 21. She looked so asleep though she was bleeding but peaceful face she had. She slept and her head would turn to right all the time. They called me to help wash her body and asked me if I could handle the look of my sister bleeding and dead?

Before I answered, my mom said "No she can't" but then my mouth replied and said "Yes its okay am able!", what made me said that am able!? Was it cos the lady shout at me and said "Come on now, she needs you she can still see you!" Or was it cos her mother refused to wash her daughter dead body cos still she is shocked crying her spirit out!? Or was it cos always and forever Ibti considered me as a big sister, always asking me for advice!?

I don't know what was the reason that made me pull myself tougher and watch my cousin body bleeding and dead! DEAD! She was still bleeding, her blood in my hands. No I didn't cry, am not in a position to cry! I came to wash her blessed dead body, I came not to disappoint her.

My baby sister, oh my Allah!

I was happy to see how peaceful she was. Never mind the blood as long as her face is not hurt, she has died in a blessed way and that is all am asking for everyone I love. Die in a peaceful way!

I am hurt and I am sad, I cried 2day cos for a moment I forgot that Ibti was dead and I dialed her phone number and wondered why she off her phone. OH No, I said! She is gone, and I slowly put the phone back and ask myself to cool down, just cool down. I couldn't handle it, I can't believe I forgot her death and I cried!

My work mate said "Are you crying!" I wept my tears away and said "No am fine!" I won't to the other room and continued crying..

How stupid could I get!? Forgetting that Ibti is dead!?

Ibti, we will always forever love you and will pray for you and will counties to do good deeds for you and remember you; we can't pay back the wonderful memories you left us but we will promise you to keep you in our heart just the way we have always did.

I miss you my baby sister, I know I will see you again, in a better place, I will!

Why do I always fight with every1 ? And why do I always say yes when it's NO I hear in me! Isn't this strange! My sister keeps on saying that I don't have an attitude not a strong one! I know what I have been through in my life made me the way I am now and I told her thats why am like this!.

But she looked me in the eye with this surprised look and said "What you have been through would make any1 strong and secure not weak like you are now!"

*Sighhhh* I don't know why am weak seriously, I need a total attitude makeover but I have tried for years and I can't!

I do trust myself though and I believe in me big time. But I can’t protect myself cos any tinny shit hurts me so bad.

That’s why I have a bad relationship with dad and mom; I can't forget their wrongs nor can raise their good deeds cos they haven’t got much into my account!

Am I evil, not really diary? I love mom and dad but I know mother loves me a bit and dad’s heart doesn’t beat for me no more!

I guess the world has bigger problems then mine; I can’t even enjoy reading the daily newspaper without reading those war and hunger issues!

Am way better then a lot of others out there and seriously am happy like this!

I'm getting so messed up in my brains with this working issue over here. Since that everything is on my head now I feel like losing my brains and if I ever did so then it's going to be for my own goodness.

My boss sucks in her English and since early morning she is calling me to ask me the spelling of this and that but hack am sick of this, it's okay for me to help others but sometimes things get TOO MUCH!

I want to resign and go studying aboard; I don't wanna be stick here forever. And I also want to learn how to say no when yes is what they all got use to hearing!

I really want to take some days off but there is no any web developer in this shity company except me so guess I gotta work my ass out but I need HOLIDAYS!

Working too much and too hard makes me go insane! It's normal for me to talk to myself but me getting pimples in my head just cos of the stress I'm into!

Imagine me with pimples *Screaming & Crying loud!* I want to be back to normal way normal!

Diary, My ex couldn't keep his ass away from me now could he? He wrote me a silly email yesterday blaming the shit out of me for being drunk the other day and he just said that am out from his friendship. I replied it with a long one explains all of his crappy attitude and I guess I did well!

I don't need people judging on me, it’s enough that god will do that and am aware of my mistakes and I have a great deal on what I have done. Therefore I have learned my mistake and am not willing to let others mess my mind with it.